You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
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