Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
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