What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
To get to the other tide.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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