How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
The sun is just a big space heater.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
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