My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
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