Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
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