This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
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