My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
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