Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
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