Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
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