I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
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