Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
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