What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
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