A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
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