Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.