What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
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