Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
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