I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
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