How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
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