I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
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