Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
The sun is just a big space heater.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
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