After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
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