At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
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