History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
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