How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
That boy narrated his-story really well.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
To get to the other tide.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
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