My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
To get to the other tide.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
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