What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
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