What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
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