What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
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