What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
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