I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
"Bugs and hisses."
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
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