What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
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