What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
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