I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”