Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
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