My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
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