Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The sun is just a big space heater.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
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