What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
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