I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
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