I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
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