My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
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