What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
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