My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
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