Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
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