How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
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