What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
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