Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.