What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.