Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.