Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What do you call an edible ion?
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.