When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.