What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Two monkeys are in the bath.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water in then!”
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.