Smart and funny one liners

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Why aren't prostitutes allowed near prisons?
Because a sentence shouldn't end with a proposition.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?
Gloves.

Just Joking. He still hasn't opened the gift.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.