What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
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