All our puns are here, and it's gonna get punny...

I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Why d‌‌oes N‌‌orth K‌‌orea e‌‌xcel a‌‌t d‌‌rawing s‌‌traight l‌‌ines?
Because t‌‌hey h‌‌ave a‌‌ s‌‌upreme r‌‌uler.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.