What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
After all is sled and done.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
"Partners in wine."
I pitcher us together forever.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.