You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
More candles means a bigger wish!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
They say everything gets better with age.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”