“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.