What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.