Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.