A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
I couldn't chair less!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...