What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing