“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The temperature can only go up from here.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra