The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder