I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
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