Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”