Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."