Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
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