My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
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