What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Air resistance is a real drag.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
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