Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
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