In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
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