Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
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