Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
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