I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
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