My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
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