What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
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