I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
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