I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
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